Learning from Failure
从失败中学习
Failure can be one of our children's best teachers and a key strategy in fostering
self esteem.
失败，是孩子最好的老师，
也是培养孩子自尊的最佳策略。
01
Define Failure and Success in Your Own Terms
用你的角度定义失败和成功
Too often we buy into other people’s notion of winning or losing,failure or success.Does “success” mean being chosen “The Batchelor?” Does “failure” mean we haven’t become a Silicon Valley millionaire? It’s up to each of us to dig deep and establish our own values. Do we live with a view that success is an external accomplishment or an internal victory related to character?
We don't know if our little Rebecca will ever become an Alicia Markova, but what is the priority: for Rebecca to be a prima ballerina now, at all costs, or for Rebecca to develop the character to persist at what she enjoys?
我们常常会不假思索的购买他人对于观念输赢、成功与失败的观点。“成功”难道意味着是“达尔文选择？“失败”是不是意味着我们就不能成为硅谷百万富翁？我们每个人都应该深入挖掘并建立属于自己的价值观。我们生活在怎样的观念下？成功是一种外在的成就，还是与人格息息相关的内在胜利？
我们根本就不知道小丽贝卡某一天是否能成为著名的艾丽茜婭.玛尔科娃，但我们首先要考虑的是：不计一切代价让丽贝卡现在就成为芭蕾舞演员，还是，让小丽贝卡做她喜欢的事情并坚持？
02
Failure as a Window to Reality
失败是通往真实世界的一扇窗
Failure gives children the true scoop on themselves and the world. Of course we hold their hand when they’re learning to cross the street. Of course we protect them from on-coming tractors and taking on speed bumps. But when we rush in to make success too easy, we lie to them and let them lie to themselves about who they are and what they need to work on. When we quit doing for them what they are perfectly capable of learning to do for themselves, they learn that instant success isn’t the goal. For Sonny, who wants to be a good chess player, the true character lesson is in facing the challenge, trying, failing, learning what he needs to learn, and what he’s capable of accomplishing with effort.
失败让孩子们认知到真正的自己和真实的世界。当然，我们会在孩子经历的过程中牵着他们的手。也会在他们面对马上到来的危险的时候保护他们，在他们跌撞前行遇到挫折的时候给他们支持。但当我们太迫切的想让成功轻易到来的时候，我们会因此做太多而欺骗了他们，让他们对自己没有足够认知，让他们不知道自己究竟是谁要做什么才能获得成功。
当我们停止帮助他们的时候，他们是完全有能力自己去面对挑战并学习如何解决问题的，他们会在努力的过程中明白，一时的成功并不是最终目标。例如桑尼很想成为一个好的棋手，而对于他性格培养的真正课程是通过面对挑战，不断尝试，经历失败，学习他所需要学的所有“功课”，并通过这一切的经历而获取自我能力和人格的成长。
03
Failure and Courage
失败与勇气
Failure forces our children to face fear, obstacles, and challenges. “Poor you-ing” a frustrated child teaches blame, excuses, procrastination, then whining to guilt you and the world. Hear their concerns – without letting them avoid or manipulate. Your daughter, an A student, hates gym (didn’t we all?) “Why do I need basketball?” she moans, adding, “Please write me a note to get out of it…” Yes, trying is tough. It demands persistence, practice, sportsmanship. The character pay-off is a child who understands that life doesn’t always work as she wishes it to. It’s neither a tragedy nor a “life” failure. It’s a bump. One she can overcome or learn to manage with independent effort and resourcefulness.
失败迫使孩子面对恐惧、障碍和挑战。用“可怜”方式表达会教会孩子指责他人，找借口，拖延，然后抱怨，让你和世界都为他们感到内疚。我们需要倾听他们的担忧，但不要让他们回避处理。比如说，你的女儿是一个优等学生，可她不喜欢健身房（我们是不是都不喜欢？）“我为什么要打篮球？”她*吟呻**着，并要求着你，“请给我一张证明让我不要参加篮球运动……” 尝试新的东西对于很多人总是很艰难的。这就需要他们坚持，不断实践，并具有体育精神。通过各种角色的体验和“付出”，可以让一个孩子明白生活并不总会如人所愿的顺利。这既不是悲剧，也不是“人生”的失败。这仅仅只是一个挫折，一个她可以克服的困难，她甚至可以学会如何通过个人的努力及智慧面对更多挫折。
04
Failure as a Path to Resilience
失败可以学会保持弹性
Failure teaches children they won’t break. Instead, they’ll learn to bend with the breaks and strengthen their internal metal. Failing is inevitable. By pointing out the value of bending with the breaks and teaching failure as opportunities, children hear: “I’ll not only survive, but I can use what I’ve learned and be better for it!”
失败教导孩子们有韧性。他们将从挫折中学会弯曲的并加强他们内在的能力。失败是必然存在的。当指出面对挫折时候如何学会弯曲的价值并拿失败当作进步的机会时，孩子们听到的是：“我不仅要生存，而且要能使用我所学到的一切并做得更好！”
05
Fostering Creativity and Confidence
培养创造力和自信心
Failure allows children to develop a Plan B; a better way. It encourages children to create new endings with new effort and persistence. Jason, age 16 wanted a part-time job. He scoured his local paper online, called, sent resumes, and nothing. Until Mom suggested they sit down and look for a better way. He paid a visit to all the neighbors, local shops, and e-mailed pals who had jobs. Boom. Two weeks later he was clacking copy on his computer for a neighbor. The ability to fail and re-group with new ideas teaches us those two terrific character-building words: “I can!”
失败让孩子们学会制定B计划：另一种更好的方式。失败会鼓励孩子们去通过新的努力和坚韧不拔的精神创造出新的结果。 例如16岁的杰森，他想要一份兼职的工作。他在互联网上查阅了本地报纸，并发送了简历，却没有任何回应。直到后来妈妈建议他们坐下来聊聊，换一种更好的方式。于是他改变了方式，他拜访了所有的邻居，当地的商店，并给所有有工作的朋友发了电子邮件请教。事情很快就有了进展，两周后他已经有了一份新工作：帮一个邻居进行电脑操作。通过失败而激发重组创新的想法，将激发我们内在强大的能量，并学会这个具有极大力量的词汇“我能！“
06
Our Best Teacher
最好的老师
How often have we not succeeded along one path, only to discover a new and better one along the way? Life is about adjusting and managing reality. Mistakes and mis-steps are not only remarkable learning experiences, but open up endless opportunities. Discovering what works for us and what doesn’t, teaches us who we are, where we “fit,” and what we find most gratifying, in the real world. Helping our children see failure, not as disasters, but as our best teachers, gives them permission to try and grow.
我们在人生道路上会遇到各种挫折和不如意，与其自怜自弃，倒不如换一个方向来思考。一条道路走到黑并不会成功，为什么不去发现一条新的更适合我们更好的路呢？人生就是关于面对现实如何调整和管理的。
在犯错和失误里，我们不仅可以累积学习经验，更是推开了创造无限可能的大门。通过探索什么对我们有意义什么没有，可以让我们在现实世界里认清自己，准确定位，并找到真正让我们欢欣的事情。 我们要帮孩子学会正确的看待失败，不要悲观的拿失败当成灾难，而是要积极的拿失败当成最好的老师，允许孩子尝试并通过失败获得成长。
07
Rewarding Effort
努力就有回报
When we support effort over achievement, we reinforce the value of building character. Of course we’re thrilled when our Jake makes the team, our Emma brings home A’s, or our Aviva is accepted at Juilliard. But these are milestones usually accomplished after a host of “external” set-backs. Each will bring their own set of new challenges. What will keep our children moving forward are the internal rewards they’ve reaped, not from winning, but from owning the character to “fail well”.
当我们重视努力大过于结果的时候，我们就强化塑造了人格的价值观。当然，当我们得知杰克成立了球队，艾玛获得全A，或者阿维娃被茱莉亚音乐学院录取了，我们还是会非常的高兴。但是在这之前，他们经历了数次挫折和挑战，才能获得如此的成效。
每一次犯错，都会给他们带来新的挑战。让我们的孩子能具备持续前进动力的，不是取决于外界赢得的荣誉，而是来源于他们内在的成就和收获，是拥有懂得失败并从中获得进步的强大人格。
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