This Guy Isn’t Making Love To His Girlfriend Tonight. The Reason Why Is Hilarious.
这哥们儿今晚肯定是没法跟他女票滚床单了，至于这个原因么……哈哈，有点儿逗比！
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
话说那是上礼拜的某一个晚上，当时尼，我跟我的女朋友已经钻进被窝了。然后……你懂的，无非就是卿卿我我在那光滑的床单上~~么。但是，就在准备进入正题之前，他却对我说：“今天晚上就算了吧，我只希望你搂搂我抱抱我就好！”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
我说：“卧槽！搞毛啊！老子裤子都脱了，你就跟我说这，这算啥！！”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
于是，我就听到了，这个世界所有男人都最不愿听到的话……
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
“我是个女人，我需要情感慰藉。你从来都不在乎我内心的感受。你只想着满足你男人的发些的欲望！”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
我一脸懵逼地听她继续说道：“你就不能只是爱我么，而不是脑子整天就想些羞羞羞的事情！”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
知道那晚肯定没戏啦之后，没办法，我也只好洗洗睡了！
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
第二天一大早天刚蒙蒙亮我就跟单位请了一天假，我要陪她，一整天时间就陪她。中午我又带着她去了一家高档餐厅爆吃一顿，然后去王府井。心满意足地眼看着她在服装区不断试穿各种贵到吓死人的衣服，她就在那试试试，穿穿穿，最后已经不知道该买哪件好了，于是我告诉她，不挑了，不试了，全买上！全，买上！挑完衣服她又想要挑搭配衣服的鞋子，一样，我依然告诉他：“每套衣服再配双鞋！”
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
然后我们又去珠宝区逛，她又看上一对钻石耳环。就这么说吧，那天可把我女票激动坏了。她肯定想我脑子里是不是装了惊涛骇浪了。我都能觉察到她在有意试探我了，因为她又说要买一条网球手镯，要知道她连网球毛豆没沾过！
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
完了，当我对她说：“差不多了，亲爱的！”的时候，他当时还有点儿小错愕。一路买下来感觉我女票她激动地都快shi了，不过她还是稳住心神满怀希望地对我说：“我也觉得差不多了，亲爱的，咱们去交钱吧！”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
当时说这句话之前，我都快绷不住要笑出狗叫声了，但我还是脱口而出：“不不，亲爱的，今天就算了吧！”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”
她的小脸立刻就白了，错愕地下巴快掉到地上一样，一脸懵逼道：“卧槽，搞毛啊！”
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
我接着说道：“亲爱的，我只希望你穿穿试试这些东西一会儿就好。我是个男人，你从来都不在乎的经济感受，你从来都不满足我的这点需求，你就只想着满足你们女人的买买买欲望！”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
就在她要用她的眼神杀死我之际，我接着补充道：“我就是这样，你就不能只是爱我么，而不是脑子整天就想些买买买的事情！”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
显然么，打那儿之后包括今晚肯定是没人跟我滚床单了么！
