当你的孩子对你说“我讨厌你”的时候，你心里是不是感觉非常的难受。在一个非常年轻的孩
It hurts so deeply when we hear our beloved child saying: -“I HATE YOU”-. At such a young
的嘴里，我们经常能听到一些伤害性的，令人恐惧的句子像：“我不想成为我妈妈这样的人”“我
age, our children may come up to us with painful and scary phrases like: “I don’t want you
希望你去死！”更有甚者，一些孩子经常说出一些像“我想杀了你！”这样的话。作为父母，我们
to be my mom”, “I wish you were dead”, and some may even come up with: -“I want to kill
经常会感觉到非常的失望，恐惧甚至伤心透了，并且会夹杂着极度的气愤。当你每天想的是怎么
you”-. And as Parents, we tend to feel so disappointed, terrified, and so very sad, and angry
成为一个最好的父母和给孩子最好的东西的时候听到这些话是非常令人伤心的。作为父母，我们
too. It is heartbreaking to hear those words when you are doing your best to become a better
常常认为孩子应该学会感恩
parent every day. We feel our children should either show some gratitude or, at least, a little
至少，应该对他的父母们展现一些亲和和尊重。
respect and kindness for us.
有一个清晰的事实就是我们需要花费多年的时间去让我们的孩子意识到并且赞美父母教育对他们
The plain truth is that it is going to take many years for our children to realize and praise
的影响。有时候你明明做了一件非常对的事情，你尝试着去做到最好，但是你的孩子任然
our efforts at Parenting. You are doing the right thing, and you are doing your best, but
离你想要的感激非常的遥远，因为你的孩子没有尝试通过成人的视野去看这个世界。
your children are still very far away from appreciating it because children don’t see the world through your grown up eyes.
你对孩子们这些令人不安的的语句应该承认你自己需要保持冷静。
Your Top One response to those disturbing phrases should start by acknowledging you need to stay calm.
孩子们这些令人愤怒的言论仅仅是因为一个简单的根本原因。他们不会因为我们做了什
These outbursts of rage among children are merely a signal from an underlying cause. They
么而改变他们的心情。这些爆发大多杀来源于伤心，挫折和焦虑。
don’t metabolize their emotions as we do. Those explosions may be caused by sadness,
孩子们的生气和挑衅的行为常常伴有苛刻的，无意识的和焦虑的特征。当孩子们感觉焦虑，尤其
frustration, or anxiety. Children who seem angry and defiant often have severe, and
事当孩子们想要隐藏自己情绪的话，他们可能会度过一段艰难的时光并可能导致一些
unrecognized, anxiety. When children have anxiety, especially if they are hiding it, they may
心理上的不幸，并且当他人给他们一些他们觉得自己没法承受的压力的时候他们会猛烈的反抗。另外，孩
have a hard time coping with situations that cause the distress, and they may lash out when
当面临一些孩子们感觉的不知道怎么应付的的东西的时候孩子们是很反抗的，他们的情绪失
someone puts pressure on them that they can't handle. Furthermore, children struggle to
控是一个很清晰的信号是想要寻求你的帮助。
understand what they are feeling and don’t know how to cope with it. Their outbursts are a clear call for your help.
在委托了一个在这个课题上专业的调查机构和咨询了很多的作家和专家之后，这里提出
After conducting a thorough research on the subject and consulting many authors and
了一个最正面的方法去帮助孩子管理他们失控的情绪，一共分四个步骤：
specialists, these four steps came up as the Most Positive Approach to help children manage their anger:
1）每当你的孩子变得“疯狂的”狂暴和愤怒，先做一个深呼吸并且不要做出任何反应，
1) As soon as your child gets “possessed” by rage and anger, take a very deep breath and
不要说任何一个字直到你能完全控制你自己。
don’t react. Don’t say a word until you are in full control of yourself.
2）利用你自己的肢体语言，姿势，和你声音的音量和语气去展示“你很冷静”给你的孩
2) Use your body language, posture, volume, and tone of your voice to show your child you
子：“我现在离开你的房间，请你告诉我你需要多长时间能冷静下来!”不要提高你的声音，
are very calmed: “I will leave the room now. Please let me know when you calm down”.
抛开你作为家长的特权也不要惩罚他们。记住你在训练他们怎么去控制自己的思想
Don’t raise your voice, don’t take privileges away from your children and don’t punish them.
和身体，去学会用一个正确的方式去表达和交流他们的感受。
Remember you are trying them how to stay in control of your mind and body, and to express and communicate their feelings in an assertive and positive way.
3）即使你要等待一个小时直到孩子的心跳回到正常的水平，也要等到他完全冷静下来了。
3) Wait until your child has calmed down completely, even if you must wait an hour until his
当你的孩子进入一个“安静”的状态就可以进入“交流”时间：花20分钟时间去用孩
or her breathing gets back to normal. As soon as your child enters a “peaceful” state engage
子的视野去看世界，陪伴孩子直到你的孩子告诉你什么在困扰着他。
into “Connection” time: Use 20 minutes of exclusive play time to connect with him or her
如果你给了孩子他们需要的时间和自信他们会很通过玩或者一些简单的句子好的表达。相对于
and try to see the world through your child’s eyes. Let your child show you what is bothering
问问题而言，当在玩的时候你可以告诉他们一些你的一些简单而真实的故事来启发他们去表达
him or her.
他们的感觉。“昨天我对我的老板非常生气因为他忘记了我的生日，这使我很伤心”这样更好。
Children express themselves nicely through play or simple words when you give them the time and confidence they need. Instead of asking questions, while playing, you can tell your child simple real stories about yourself just to inspire them to express their feelings: - “Yesterday I was very mad at my boss because he forgot my birthday. It made me very sad too” -.
4）当你感觉生气伤心或者焦虑的时候，让你的孩子知道你的感觉并用你自己的行为去
4) When you feel angry or sad or anxious, let your child know how you feel and model the
教会他们如何管理这些情绪：一起练习深呼吸，教他们怎么去缓和冲击或者出去去散个步呼吸
behavior to manage those emotions: practice belly-breathing together, teach them how to
下新鲜空气。当你冷静下来了，用一些简单的话去告诉你的孩子，用最短的最准确的句子告诉
punch a cushion or go out and take a walk together to get some fresh air. When you have
你的孩子什么让你不安。
calmed down, use simple words to tell your children, in the shortest possible phrase, what made you upset.
我今天读到这篇短文：“爱不是你感觉到了什么，爱是你做了什么”。这启发了我去写这
I read this tweet today: “Love is not what you feel. Love is what you do”. It inspired me to
短文。我们经常需要提醒我们自己：我们对孩子的爱是无条件的，我们愿意去接受和支持他们的
write this post for you. Very often, we all need to remind ourselves: loving our children is
一切，让他们知道他们可以永远的相信我们，无论如何我们会永远相信他们去培养他们的自信。
accepting and supporting them unconditionally, for them to know they can always trust us,
当我们因为他们的“不屑之言”受伤的时候。我们需要知道他们真的希望我们自己正
to nurture their self-confidence by showing them we will love them no matter what. And
被痛苦折磨着，他们需要我们的帮助！
when we feel wounded by their “mean words”, we need to keep in mind they are cues intended to let us know our children are in pain and need our help.
我们有责任去教孩子怎样去获得一个平和的心境，保持冷静并成功的管理自己的情绪，
It is our responsibility to show our children how to achieve a peaceful state of mind, stay
但是我们不能只是说，我们要用用自己的行为去传授
calmed and successfully manage their emotions, but we can not teach that with words because this is taught by example.
如果你尝试了这个这个方法一个月，你的孩子仍然会说出一些话，像：“我想杀了你！”“我
If you try this approach for a month and your child still comes up with violent phrases like: “I
希望你去死”，那我建议你去找一些专业的心理学专家寻找帮助。
want to kill you” or “I wish you were dead”, my advice is for you to ask for some professional help from a Psychologist.