【读你所爱，滋润你的心灵；顺便掌握英语，打开你的第三只眼】

“如果一个男孩有幸见到过自己的父亲如何成功地让母亲幸福满足的话，当男孩长大并开始自己的爱情旅程时，他就会有一种罕见的自信心，相信自己也能够成功地让伴侣幸福满足。他不会害怕承诺，因为他知道自己能践行承诺。他也知道，即使他有做不到的时候，他仍旧是问心无愧的，他依旧是值得伴侣去爱和感激的，因为他已经尽力。他不谴责自己，因为他知道自己本就不是完美的，但他始终是竭尽全力的，他只要尽力了就好。他能够为自己的错误道歉，因为他相信伴侣会谅解他、爱他并因他的努力而感激他。”

“A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn't deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best. He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best.”

【本节导读】

这一节《金星人和火星人》的内容 “男性如何学会给予伴侣爱” 表面上是写给男性同胞的。作者分析了男性在感情关系中为什么自己不愿意主动付出的性别心理学原因和文化传统因素。只有了解了自己行为的心理学动机，我们才能更好地做我们本来的自己，或是做一个更好的我们自己。

然而，这一节更是写给女性读者，让女性读者了解和理解男性心理的。想我们许多人在踏入爱河或是走入婚姻的殿堂之前，我们对于两性的了解，除了是与我们早有代沟的父母，也许就是不多的宫廷爱情戏了。仔细想想我们在恋爱结婚前对两性和情感的贫瘠了解吧，我们就更会相信，男人来自火星，女人来自金星了。除非金星人能主动理解火星人，火星人是难以主动理解金星人的。

除此以外，本章对男性所期望的 “学会给予爱”，学会了解 “自尊”的深刻认识，其实在我们的文化传统中是具有很大挑战的。因为我们从来就是不够好的，所以在我们足够好之前，我们只能“勿施于人”，我们会一直专心致志地“修身，再修身”，哪里有时间有资格去顾及他人？火星人的古代哲学和我们的传统思想是如此地有共鸣。

然而，正如作者John Gray 博士所说，“因为我们没有一本好的婚姻关系学习手册，所以不难理解，为什么那么多男性和女性会最终放弃他们的爱情”。也许这个原因也可以解释，为什么我们还有许多人最终选择了“凑合的婚姻”。

而且这一切依旧会继续，也许明天并不比今天更好。

【刘博士译文】

男性应学会如何给予伴侣爱

男性最大的恐惧就是觉得自己还不够好或是自己不行。为了消除这种恐惧，他会通过专心提升自己的能力和技能来掩饰自己的不足。成功、成就和效率是他一生中最首要的目的。当火星人在发现金星人之前，他们最关心的就是这些品质，以至于他们对于除此之外的任何事或是任何人都毫不关心。男性在他觉得害怕的时候看起来是对他人最漠不关心的时候。

就如同女性害怕接受他人的好意一样，男性害怕的则是向他人付出。在男性看来，将自己的能力施展出来并帮助他人，也意味着会有帮人不成、纠正他人错误和受到他人反对的风险。这些后果都是让男人觉得最痛苦的，因为在他的潜意识深处，他有一种不正确的看法，那就是自己始终是不够好的。这一思想在他童年时就以形成，并在他每次觉得自己应该做得更好的时候进一步强化。当男性的成就不被人注意或是没有得到应得的感激时，他在潜意识深处就又开始形成这种错误的想法，觉得自己还不够好。

男人在出现这种错误想法的时候内心是极其脆弱的。这让他在内心产生了对失败的恐惧。男性也想要付出，但是他害怕失败，所以他干脆不去尝试。如果他最大的恐惧是对自己能力缺乏信心的时候，他当然会避免去冒任何不必要的风险了。

而最具讽刺意味的是，当男人真的很在意他的伴侣时，他就越害怕会失败，而他付出的就会更少。就是因为害怕失败的缘故，他干脆就不再对他最想付出的伴侣付出任何努力。

而当男人没有安全感时，为了掩饰这种恐惧，他会做出一副出了自己对所有人都不在乎的样子。他最本能的防御反应就是说“我才不在乎呢”。也因为这个原因，火星人不会让自己去体会他人或是过于在乎别人。他们是通过让自己成功和有权势才能让自己最终相信自己是足够优秀的，在这个时候他们才足够自信能够成功地帮助他人。火星人就是在这个时候发现了金星人。

虽说火星人一直都是很优秀的，但是他们在长久地证明自己能力的过程中让他们对什么是自尊有了深刻地理解。通过获得成功，然后回顾过去，他们才意识到他们的每一次失败都是后来取得成功的必要条件。每一个错误都给他们上了有关如何达成目标的重要一课。因此，他们终于意识到自己一直都是足够好的。

犯错误没有关系的！

对于男性来说，要想学会如何给予伴侣更多的话，他要迈出的第一步就是要认识到，犯错误是没有关系的，失败也是兵家常事，男人不见得就一定要解决所有的问题。

我记得这样一个故事，一名女士抱怨，她的伴侣总是不愿做出结婚的承诺。在她看来，她的伴侣似乎爱自己没有自己爱伴侣那么深。然而，有一天，她偶然说起，她和伴侣在一起是那么的幸福。即使他们过穷日子，她也愿意和伴侣一起相守。第二天，他的伴侣就向她求婚了。男性需要的是接纳和鼓励，当他觉得自己在伴侣的眼里足够优秀的时候，这时他也就能感觉到自己有多在乎她爱的人。

火星人（男性）也是需要爱的

就如同女性在没有得到伴侣理应给与女性的关爱时，女性会很敏感地觉得自己被伴侣排斥一样，男性在自己的伴侣抱怨问题的时候，也会很敏感地觉得自己很失败。这就是为什么男性有时很难继续倾听下去的原因。男性希望成为伴侣心目中的英雄。当女性感觉失望或是因为任何事情不开心的时候，男性就会觉得自己太失败了。女性的不开心再次证实了男性心中最深的恐惧：自己还不够完美。即使在今天，许多女性都没有意识到自己的伴侣有多么脆弱，他们是多么需要爱的抚慰。只有伴侣的爱才能让男性知道，自己已经够完美的了，自己是可以让伴侣满意的。

如果一个男孩有幸见到过自己的父亲如何成功地让母亲幸福满足的话，当男孩长大并开始自己的爱情旅程时，他就会有一种罕见的自信心，相信自己也能够成功地让伴侣幸福满足。他不会害怕承诺，因为他知道自己能践行承诺。他也知道，即使他有做不到的时候，他仍旧是问心无愧的，他依旧是值得伴侣去爱和感激的，因为他已经尽力。他不谴责自己，因为他知道自己本就不是完美的，但他始终是竭尽全力的，他只要尽力了就好。他能够为自己的错误道歉，因为他相信伴侣会谅解他、爱他并因他的努力而感激他。

他知道，每个人都有犯错误的时候。他见到过自己的父亲犯错误，并仍旧自爱；他目睹了母亲用爱和原谅来回应父亲所犯的所有错误。即便有时他的父亲会让母亲失望，他却能感觉到母亲对父亲的信任和鼓励。

许多男性在成长过程中并没有成功的榜样。对他们来说，拥有长久不变的爱情、结婚和拥有家庭，就像是未经任何训练就开始驾驶一架大型客机一样困难。他也许能够起飞，但他的飞机肯定是会坠毁的。而一旦你有过几次飞机坠毁的经历以后，或是如果你曾亲眼目睹你的父亲驾驶飞机坠毁过，那你就很难再继续飞行了。因为我们没有一本好的婚姻关系学习手册，所以不难理解，为什么那么多男性和女性会最终放弃他们的爱情。

【英语文本】

LEARNING TO GIVE

A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Success, achievement, and efficiency are foremost in his life. Before they discovered the Venusians, the Martians were so concerned with these qualities that they didn't care about anything or anybody else. A man appears most uncaring when he is afraid.

Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction, and disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time he thought he was expected to do better. When his accomplishments went unnoticed or were unappreciated, deep in his unconscious he began forming the incorrect belief that he was not good enough.

A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It generates within him the fear of failing. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn't try. If his biggest fear is inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks.

Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most.

When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His most automatic defensive response is to say "I don't care." For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough and that they could succeed in giving. They then discovered the Venusians.

Although they had always been good enough, the process of proving their power prepared them for the wisdom of self-esteem. Through becoming successful and then looking back, they realized that their every failure was necessary to achieve their later successes. Every mistake had taught them a very important lesson how to achieve their goals. Thus they realized they had always been good enough.

It Is OK to Make Mistakes

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesn't have to have all the answers.

I remember the story of a woman who complained that her partner would never make a commitment to marriage. To her it seemed that he did not care as much as she did. One day, however, she happened to say that she was so happy being with him. Even if they were poor, she would want to be with him. The next day he proposed. He needed the acceptance and encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared.

Martians Need Love Too

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don't get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don't realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.

A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn't deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best. He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best.

He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes. He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her.

Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a good training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.