（女性们，）请不要主动给男性提建议！

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE！

（男性们，）请学会倾听吧！

LEARNING TO LISTEN！

【本节导读】当我读到这一章节内容的时候，就如同在读对我过去婚姻的一段描述。谈谈我自己的感受吧。也许一些女性读到这一段的时候，会认为：是男人就应该坚强的，不会连这一点委屈也承受不了吧？女性也许不知道的是，一个男人爱上一个女人，通常是因为只有这个女人能够让自己脱去戴了许久的坚强面具，展露自己爱与脆弱的一面，让自己的心灵得到安宁。男人有这样的心理需要。如果有一天，连自己爱的人也逼迫自己继续带上这副坚强的面具时，男人就可能找不到爱的纯粹理由了。

当我们的情感出现了问题的时候，我们总是会从其他方面用他人去找理由。相爱的人们总是很愚蠢的，我们从不相信也许自己才是问题的根源。其实，当我们的情感出问题的时候，其最初的原因是自己感觉不到爱了，或是我们爱的表达对方接受不到了。其他的理由其实只是结果而已。

如果你只是对中文阅读感兴趣，阅读中文也一定会有所收获的。请直接跳过【刘博士英语突破学习法】的内容。

【刘博士英语突破学习法】：阅读——听读——跟读。

1） 如果你的英语学习重点是阅读突破，那么在理解中文译文内容后，请转向英语文本的阅读，你会发现英语没有想象的那么难。请在合适的时候转向直接阅读英语原文。英语阅读突破是一个自然的过程。当你习惯了无需中文辅助的英语阅读时，你就会自己知道你是否取得了阅读的突破。

2） 如果你的英语突破重点还包括口语和听力。请在熟读英语原文以后，开始跟着音频跟读和听读，直到可以完整的跟读和听读理解为止。

3） 以口语为突破的学习者，请跟读音频练习，直到你无需文本资料也可以自然流利跟读为止。

4） 以听力为突破的学习者，请看着文本资料听读音频，直到你无需文本也可以自然听懂为止。

【刘博士中文译文】

《金星人和火星人》

（女性们，）请不要主动提建议！

如果对男性的性格没有这种深刻认识，女性就很容易在不知不觉中无意地伤害和冒犯她心爱的男人。

举一个例子。Tom和Mary要去参加一个聚会。Tom正在开车。他开了约二十分钟，还在同一个街区绕了几圈，Mary就明白Tom迷路了。她最后建议Tom打电话问一下。Tom开始变得非常沉默。他们最终到达了聚会地点，但是一种紧张气氛从Mary 建议问路开始持续了整个晚上。玛丽根本不知道为什么Tom那么不高兴。

从Mary的角度来看，她想表达的意思是：“我爱你，关心你，所以我愿意帮你这个忙。”

从Tom的角度看，他感觉受到了侵犯。他听到的是“我不相信你能把我们带到目的地，你太无能了！”

因为Mary不了解火星人的生活，她无法领会对于Tom来说，独自完成目标是多么的重要。主动提供建议是一种奇耻大辱。正如我们前面谈到过的，火星人从不主动提供建议，除非他人请求你这么做。在火星上，尊重他人的一种方式就是，除非他人向你求助，你会默认为他人能够自己解决问题。

Mary并不知道，当Tom迷了路，开始绕着同一街区转圈的时候，这是一个非常难得的表达爱与支持的机会。在这个时候男性是尤其脆弱的，他需要更多的爱。给予男*爱性**的最好方式就是不要主动给他提建议。这就是最好的礼物，就如同于男性给女性买了一束漂亮的花或是给她写了一封情书一样。

在了解了火星人和金星人的不同之后，Mary学会了在这种困难时期如何帮助Tom的方法。当下一次Tom又迷路的时候，Mary没有主动提供“帮助”，她克制住了自己，不去提任何建议，而是深吸了一口气，并在心里感激Tom为她努力所做的一切。Tom对于Mary所表现出来的爱的接纳和信任非常地感激。

一般来说，当女性未经请求主动提供建议，或者试图“帮助”男性的时候，她是完全不知道自己的话在男性听起来是多么的挑剔和缺乏爱意。尽管女性的初衷是因为爱，但她的建议却是在侵犯和伤害男性。男性的反应有时会非常强烈，尤其是当他觉得自己像是一个受到批评的小孩子，或者是他曾经经历过他的父亲被他的母亲批评挑剔的场面时。

对许多男性来说，能够证明自己可以达成目标是非常重要的，即使是像开车去餐馆或派对这样的小事情也是如此。具有讽刺意味的是，男性可能对小事情比对大事情更加敏感。他的感觉是这样的：“如果在类似带家人去参加一个聚会这样的小事上她都信不过我的话，她怎么能信得过我可以做更重要的事情呢？”男性们就像他们的火星人祖先一样，他们以自己是专家而自豪，尤其是在诸如修理机器、找地方或是解决问题这些方面。因此他们在做这些事情的时候，最需要的是女人用爱去接受，而不是提建议或是挑剔。

（男性们，）请学会倾听吧

同样地，如果男性不理解女性与自己的不同之处的话，当他试图帮助女性时，他有可能让事情变得更糟。男性需要记住，当女性谈论自己的问题时，她希望的是与人亲近，未必是想得到解决办法。

很多的时候，女性只是想分享一下自己对她这一天的感受，而她的丈夫还以为自己是在帮助她，于是就打断她的话，还对她的问题主动提出了一大堆的解决办法。丈夫根本不知道妻子为什么还是不高兴。

再举一个例子。Mary在经历了筋疲力尽的一天后回到家中。她想要而且需要分享一下她对这一天的感受。

她说：“要做的事情太多了，我根本没有时间做自己的事情。”

Tom说：“那你应该辞掉那份工作。你不用那么辛苦。做你自己喜欢做的事情吧。”

Mary说：“可是我喜欢我的工作呀。只不过公司的人总是也不提前通知一下就让我立刻改这改那的。”

Tom说：“别理他们，做你能做的就行了。”

Mary说：“我是这么做的！我真不敢相信我今天都忘了给我姑妈打电话啦。”

Tom说：“没事，她会理解你的。”

Mary说：“你知道她现在多么难受吗？她需要我。”

Tom说：“你操的心太多了，所以你老是不高兴。”

Mary生气地说道：“我没有老是不高兴，你能不能好好听我说话啊？”

Tom说：“我在听着呢。”

Mary说：“我不跟你说了！”

Mary回家时，本想通过和Tom在一起找到一种亲密和伴侣的感觉。可是在这一番对话后，Mary现在情绪更糟了。汤姆也很不高兴，他也不知道哪儿出了问题。他想帮忙来着，可是他的解决问题的策略根本不管用。

Tom不知道金星上的人是怎样生活的，他不明白，倾听是多么的重要。他不需要给出解决办法的。他的解决办法只会让事情变得更糟。你看，当金星人（女性）在听别人交谈时，她们是从来不会提供解决问题的办法的。金星人尊敬他人的方式就是带着设身处地的同情心来耐心地倾听，她们会努力去真正理解对方的感受。

Tom不知道，他只需要带着设身处地的同情心去倾听Mary表达她的感受，这样就能给Mary带来很大的放松和满足感。当Tom得知了金星人的生活，以及金星人是多么需要与人交谈的时候，他慢慢地学会了如何倾听。

现在，当Mary精疲力尽地回到家中的时候，他们的对话和以前完全不同了。对话内容听起来是这样的：

Mary说：“要做的事情太多了，我根本没有时间做自己的事情。”

Tom深吸一口气，让自己慢慢放松下来，然后说，“嗯…听起来，你今天过得好辛苦。”

Mary说：“公司的人总是也不提前通知一下就让我立刻改这改那的。我真不知道该怎么办好。”

Tom停顿了一下，然后说：“哦….”

Mary说：“我甚至都忘了给我姑妈打电话啦。”

Tom微微皱着眉头说：“哦，不会吧。”

Mary说：“她现在特别需要我。我真觉得过意不去。”

Tom说：“你的心肠真是太好了。过来，让我好好抱你一下。”

Tom给了Mary一个大大的拥抱。Mary在他的怀里深呼一口气，放松了下来。然后她说道：“我喜欢和你说这些事儿。你真的让我感到好幸福。谢谢你能听我唠叨。我现在感觉好多了。”

不仅是Mary感觉好多了，就连Tom也觉得开心多了。他惊讶地发现，当他终于学会倾听的时候，他的妻子是如何变得更加开心。当Tom对于两性之间的差异有了新认识的时候，Tom学会了倾听的智慧。他不需要给出解决办法。而同时，Mary也学会了顺其自然和接纳的智慧。她不需要老是主动给建议或者是那么挑剔。

让我们总结一下我们在两性关系中最常犯的两个错误吧：

1. 当女性情绪不佳的时候，男性总是想改变女性的情绪感受，他们把自己变成“修理工”，主动给女性提出解决问题的办法，这种做法实际上是不认可女性的情绪/感受。

2. 当男性出现失误的时候，女性总是试图改变男性的行为/做法，她们把自己变成了家庭改造委员会的人，要么未经请求就主动给男性提建议，要么是对男性进行批评/挑剔。

【刘博士音频】

【英语原文】

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE

Without this insight into the nature of men, it's very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.

For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was clear to Mary that Tom was lost. She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening Mary had no idea of why he was so upset.

From her side she was saying "I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help."

From his side, he was offended. What he heard was "I don't trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!"

Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.

Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note.

After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering "help" she restrained herself from offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust.

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.

For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: "If 1 can't be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?" Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.

LEARNING TO LISTEN

Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn't pleased.

For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.

She says, "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself."

Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like to do."

Mary says, "But 1 like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment's notice."

Tom says, "Don't listen to them. just do what you can do."

Mary says, "I am! 1 can't believe 1 completely forgot to call my aunt today."

Tom says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand."

Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."

Tom says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy."

Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?"

Tom says, "I am listening."

Mary says, "Why do 1 even bother?"

After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn't work.

Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn't understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another

Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other's feelings.

Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.

When Mary now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:

Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."

Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds Ii ike you had a hard day."

Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. 1 don't know what to do."

Tom pauses and then says, " "H|mmm."

Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt."

Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no."

Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. 1 feel so bad."

Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug."

Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better."

Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

2. A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.