开店基金:
破产姐妹
第一季 第8集
上菜 10号桌 12号桌
Pick up. Table 10, table 12,
69号桌
table 69.
奥列格 店里没有69号桌
Oleg, there is no table 69.
一切皆有可能哦
There could be.
我又被奥列格用69号*戏调**了
Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now
害我把桌号全忘了
I don't remember any of the table numbers.
这69号他是不会玩腻的
Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us.
以后别记桌号了
Forget the table numbers.
点餐要这样记 给顾客起个外号
Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames.
瞧 我这边是瘦版希洛
Look, I got thin Cee Lo,
席洛·格林 身材肥胖的美国黑人饶舌歌手
肥版蕾哈娜 贝雷帽版拉姆齐 以及
fat Rihanna, Jon beret Ramsey, and
琼贝尼特·拉姆齐 美国家喻户晓的选美小皇后
假发丑版克里斯汀
and Kristen bad wig.
克里斯汀·韦格 美国著名女演员
姓氏"Wiig"与假发"wig"发音相似
好吧 我这边是塞斯·落健 恋童癖小胡子
Oh, okay. I got Seth Rogaine, child molester moustache,
Seth Rogen 塞斯·罗根 美国喜剧男演员
姓氏"Rogen"与落健生发剂"Rogaine"发音相似
女同版贾斯汀·比伯
and lesbian Justin Bieber.
-很好 -多谢啦
- Good. - Thanks.
上菜 6
Pick up. Table six.
9号桌
...ty-nine.
请问还需要点什么吗
So can I get you anything else?
咖啡 点心 事后避孕药
Coffee? Dessert? Morning-after pill?
好吧
Okay.
在餐馆里打得如此火热
Getting it on in a restaurant.
我跟嫩版的安吉拉·兰斯伯瑞
I once made love to a young Angela Lansbury
安吉拉·兰斯伯瑞 美国老牌电视女星
也在这样的卡座里做过爱
in a booth just like that.
原版主演《她书写谋杀》 嫩版上演《她跪求*插猛**》
Murder, she wrote? more like "harder she begged."
《她书写谋杀》是安吉拉·兰斯伯瑞于1984年主演的一部剧情片
厄尔 大家要像你一样多好呀
Earl, why isn't everyone you?
你好呀 妈妈桑
Yo, what's up, mama?
你来啦 强尼
Oh, hey, Johnny.
跟平时一样吗 外带两杯咖啡
Usual? Two coffees to go?
对 能给我来两个你的小蛋糕吗
Yeah, and can I get two of your cupcakes?
哪"两个"啊
Which two?
明知故问
You know which two.
隔夜的打折货吗
The discounted day-olds?
是呀 少女
Yeah, girl.
你好呀 我的兄弟兼朋友
Hey, my bro and friend.
你好 大家伙
Hey, what's up, big guy?
麦克斯 你的男朋友来了
Max, your boyfriend is here.
他不是我的男朋友
He's not my boyfriend.
他只是喜欢吃我小蛋糕的人
He's just another guy who likes my cupcakes.
好东西人人爱嘛
'cause who doesn't?
你一见到他就脸红
Well, your face gets red when you see him,
而且一秒钟变好人
and you suddenly act like nice person.
如果这都不算爱 那什么才算啊
If that's not love, I don't know what is.
他才不知道什么是爱
He doesn't know what love is.
他这矮冬瓜只爱过垫高梯子吧
The only thing he ever loved was a stepladder.
强尼 这是你的隔夜蛋糕和焦糊咖啡
Johnny, here's your stale cake and burnt coffee.
正合我意 多少钱
Just how I like it. What do I owe you?
我请你
It's on me.
你是想"请他来上你"吧
You wish it was on you.
我跟他才没什么呢
There's nothing going on.
他来买咖啡是因为 要通宵在外头搞喷漆艺术
He just comes in here to get coffee because he tags billboards all night.
越解释 越让人觉得你口是心非
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
出自莎士比亚的《哈姆雷特》
听好了 文艺复兴女
Listen, renaissance fair,
你何不当个好姑娘 把柜台打扫干净呢
why don't you be a good wench and clean up your counter?
在蛋糕店上轨道前
Until the cupcake business takes off,
我打算去网上找一份兼职
I'm just gonna have to find a temp job online.
我能关掉这"墨西哥止痛药"的网页吗
Can I close this window that says "Mexican painkillers"?
关吧 关吧 不过要先收藏哦
Yeah, yeah, but, uh, bookmark it first.
那开始吧 信息网 好了
Here we are. Craigslist. Okay.
Craigslist 美国生活信息门户网站
这份工作怎么样
How does this job sound?
又恶心又堕落
Disgusting and depraved.
我都没说话呢
You didn't even hear it yet.
"信息网"上有好货吗
Did I not hear "Craigslist"?
这有份我可以胜任的轻松工作
Oh. Here's something easy I could do.
专业整理员
A professional organizer.
你才不是什么专业整理员呢
You're not a professional organizer.
你连一个专业的服务员都算不上
You're barely a professional waitress.
我超擅长整理东西与扫除垃圾
I am a genius at organizing things and getting them out of the way.
我刚失去了万贯家产与光明的未来
I recently lost all my money and the promise of a bright future,
还能把这些破事整理进脑中一个名为
and I've organized that into a file in my head
"等心理素质强大了再打开"的文件夹
labeled "do not open until you are stronger."
我自己的惨事都能搞定
If I can handle that for myself,
帮陌生人整理更是易于反掌
I can certainly handle a stranger's light filing.
早知道你脑袋瓜里这么疯狂
If I had known all that craziness was going on in your head,
我就帮你网上买墨西哥止痛药了
I would have ordered you some Mexican pain killers.
甚至是买秘鲁货 药效超猛
Or the Peruvian. They're stronger,
但有时会害你的手不听使唤
but sometimes they make you lose control of your hands.
错把秘鲁货当布洛芬吃了
Thought that was an ibuprofen.
强尼凌晨三点来这儿干嘛啊
What is Johnny doing here at 3:00 A.M.?
还以为是强奸犯什么的呢
Thought it was a rapist or something.
强奸犯才不会敲门和挥手呢
Rapists don't knock and wave.
而且长成这样 怎么能称呼为强奸犯
And if they looked like that, we wouldn't call them rapists.
应该是叫...
We'd call them...
强尼尼
Johnny!
大半夜的来干嘛
What are you doing here?
我是来跟你们谈谈 耶稣基督后期圣徒教会
I'm here to talk to you guys about The Church of Latter Day Saints.
耶稣基督后期圣徒教会 又名摩门教
顺便尿个尿 能借用下你的厕所吗
And I have to pee. Can I use your bathroom?
没问题 别忘了给厕所服务员小费哟
No problem. Don't forget to tip the bathroom attendant.
在干嘛呢 卡洛琳
What's up, caroline?
在找一份 不会被变态拷在暖气管上的兼职
Just trying to find a day job where I won't get handcuffed to a radiator.
不是吧 用信息网
On Craigslist?
太浪漫了
This is so romantic.
跳过后院的墙
Jumping over the back wall
只为了在半夜见你一面
to drop down and see you in the middle of the night?
就像罗密欧与茱丽叶
It's very Romeo and Juliet.
我们是如厕欧与厕所叶
It is very Romeo and Juliet.
他想尿尿 我只是离他最近的厕所
He has to pee, and I'm the nearest toilet.
拜托 那只是个借口
Please. That's just an excuse.
这男人在建筑物上乱画
The man defaces buildings.
却不愿在建筑物上乱尿 可能吗
And what? He draws the line at peeing on them?
他是来见你的
He came by here to see you.
把头发拨到后面 挡住脸了
Pull your hair back. It's kind of in your face.
该被拨到后面的是你 挡我眼了
Pull yourself back. You're kind of in my face.
多谢了 伙计们
Thanks, guys.
刚我在附近的楼喷漆
I was tagging a building nearby,
在屋顶上 看见你们的灯还亮着
and while I was on the roof I saw that your light was on,
就决定过来问声好
so I thought I'd stop in and say hey.
-好啊 -强尼
- Hey. - So, Johnny,
在附近的屋顶看到我们家灯亮吗
you just saw our light on from the roof nearby?
有意思
Interesting.
你在高处时总往低处看吗
Do you always look down when you're up that high?
也不是
Not really.
真有意思
Interesting.
今晚独自行动 帮我把风的家伙进戒毒中心了
Flying solo tonight. My lookout guy went into rehab.
真烦人
It's kind of a pain.
这活儿得两个人干
It's really a two-person operation.
废柴控制不了自己的毒瘾时最煞风景了
Ugh, such a bummer when people can't handle their heroin.
麦克斯 明晚下班后干嘛
Hey, Max, what are you doing tomorrow night after work?
有兴趣来当我的把风男吗
Any desire to be my lookout guy?
我的确是有这么点兴趣替你把风
I might have some desire to be your lookout guy,
可是把风男这个"男"的部分
but as far as the "guy" part of "lookout guy" goes,
老实说呢...
full disclosure...
怎么 你没有小鸡鸡吗
What, you don't have a penis?
我还真有一根
Oh, I have one.
放在我床旁的抽屉里
In a drawer in my bedroom.
如果明天有警察来抓人
If the cops come tomorrow,
恕我无法像个汉子一样逃跑
I will run like a girl.
没问题 我晚上两点去餐馆接你吧
Okay. So pick you up at the diner at 2:00?
-好 -好
- Cool. - Cool.
好极了
Cool.
罗密欧转身离去 太浪漫了
And then romeo left. So romantic.
一直以来的打情骂俏
All the weeks of flirting and game playing
终于守得云开见月明了
have finally led to this-
两人夜半于屋顶花前月下
You two on a late-night roof rendezvous.
天才整理员
Hey, genius organizer,
你何不把你这些垃圾都装到一个名为
why don't you put all that garbage in a file labeled
"我看太多凯瑟琳·海格尔的爱情烂片"文件夹里呢
"I've seen too many Katherine Heigl movies"?
凯瑟琳·海格尔 美国知名女演员
我的意思是 他喜欢你
I'm just saying, he likes you.
全"鸡"全意地喜欢你
He likes you with his penis.
就这儿 3楼F
There. 3F.
好啦 到了
All right. You're here.
再见 好好干吧
Goodbye. Go organize.
不 我说过你得等我打开门
No, I said you have to wait until I open the door
确保安全了之后才能走
and check out if it's safe.
今天我不上班 你才是要上班的那个
It's my day off. You're the one with the job.
你是讲一堆进陌生公寓*案惨**
And you're the one who freaked me out so much
把我吓得半死的那个
about going into a stranger's apartment.
我说了什么把你吓成这样
What did I say that was so bad?
你说他会把我的脸皮割下来
You told me he'd cut off my face
当派对锥筒帽戴
and wear it as a party hat.
我是说..."可能"
I said... "probably."
可能会割掉你的脸皮
Probably cut off your face.
你不会遭遇不测的 好吗
Nothing bad is gonna happen to you, okay?
好吧
Okay.
这大楼看上去挺安全 对吧
It's a safe-enough looking building, right?
对
Yes.
瞧 他们还有走廊垃圾道
Look, they have those hallway trash chutes.
大概就会从那里丢弃你的无脸尸吧
That's probably how he'll get rid of your faceless body!
你说得对 我不怕 走吧
You're right. I'm fine. Go.
卡洛琳的第二份工作 为你骄傲呀
Caroline's second job. So proud.
如果你害怕或什么的 就喊我
Call me if you freak out or anything.
我脸都被割掉了 怎么喊你啊
How am I gonna call you without a face?
我没事 才不会喊你回来
I'm fine. I'm not gonna call you.
你好 我是卡洛琳 专业整理员
Hello, it's Caroline, the professional organizer.
你好 有人打电话叫整理员吗
Hello? Someone called for an organizer?
你好
Hello?
天啊 我的老天爷呀
Oh, no. Oh, hell no.
麦克斯 快回来
Max, come back!
快点 太激动人心了
Hurry up. This is so exciting!
你这是什么话
What are you talking about?
我才不要回去呢
I'm not going back in there.
他是个强迫症囤积狂 囤积狂啊
He's a hoarder. A hoarder.
难看到不行的真人秀
It's a bad reality show.
《囤积狂》是美国有线频道A&E的真人秀节目
拜托 那是一个很棒的真人秀
Hey, that is a great reality show.
真出现在你眼前就不棒了好吗
But it's not good reality reality.
唯一能打败我对囤积狂的爱是
The only thing I love more than hoarders
那种胖得走不过门的人
are people who are too fat to fit through doors.
告诉我那囤积狂胖得在身上抹油才能过门
Tell me the hoarder has to grease his sides to get through the door.
你就不用送我生日礼物了
You won't have to get me a birthday present.
开玩笑吧
Are you kidding me?
开什么玩笑啊
Are you kidding me?
这里真应该收门票费
They should charge admission for this.
这简直就是电影《囤积狂3D》之真实体验版
It's Hoarders 3D - The experience.
感觉就像看IMAX一样
It's like going to an iMax.
麦克斯专属版本
It's my Max!
别管我了 你先上吧
Save yourself. Go on without me.
天啊
Oh, God.
那边那堆是什么玩意儿啊
What is that pile over there?
根本看不出什么是什么
It's hard to tell what is what.
要么是一张老旧的绒布地毯
It's either an old shag carpet
或者是个布偶的万人墓
or a mass grave of dead muppets.
我才不干 咱们走吧
No way. Let's get out of here.
我们脸皮还在呢 为什么要走
We still have our faces. Why would we leave?
再说了 你需要这笔钱
And besides, you need this money.
仔细看看
Look around.
说不定有他们不要的值钱东西
There might be stuff here they don't want
咱可以放到易趣上卖
that we can sell on eBay.
瞧 没准有人会想要
Look. You know someone's gonna
一个装满娃娃头的鱼缸呢
want a fish tank full of doll heads.
是啊 拥有装满娃娃身体鱼缸的人吗
Yeah, someone with a fish tank full of doll bodies.
去年我还有一艘以我命名的游艇
Last year I owned a yacht named the Caroliner,
而此刻我却考虑在易趣上卖娃娃头
and now I'm considering selling doll heads on eBay.
我要把这想法收进我脑里那个
I'll be organizing that thought in a file in my head
名为"死都别打开"的文件夹
labeled "don't open ever."
好吧
Okay.
这间屋子有好多小丑的存在
There's a heavy clown presence in this room.
虽然使人不安 但我超喜欢
It's unsettling, and I'm obsessed with it.
少一点小丑心安 又想多一点乐呵
I want both more and less of the clowns.
你好 请问有人吗
Um, hello? Anyone here?
我在这儿呢
Oh, hey, I'm over here.
抱歉 哪里
I'm sorry. Where?
报纸这边
By the papers.
哪堆报纸
Which papers?
挨着报纸的那堆报纸
The papers near the papers.
天啊 我爱死这儿了
Oh, my god. I love this!
您好 我是卡洛琳 我们昨天通过电话
Um, hi. Caroline? We spoke yesterday.
这里需要整理的东西
There's a lot more to organize here
比您在电话中说的多太多了
than you led me to believe on the phone,
所以我们得重新谈下价格
so we're gonna have to renegotiate our price.
没那么糟吧
It's not that bad.
还不够糟吗
Not that bad?
你请我来整理点报纸 没说是来清扫飓风现场的
I was hired to organized some papers, not clean up Katrina.
他长啥样
What's he look like?
请告诉我他下葬时得用钢琴盒才够装
Please tell me he needs to be buried in a piano box.
不知道 这破卡车挡住我看不见
I don't know. I can't see him through the truck.
那是旅游车 还是个收藏品呢
It's an RV, and it's a collectible.
那是我放葡萄干的地方
It's where I keep my raisins.
那还要加多少钱
So how much more, then?
给我们两人每天再多一百
Um, a hundred a day. For both of us.
还有这个汽水罐做成的马头归我们
And we get to keep the horse head made out of soda cans.
我们要这个干嘛
Why would we want that?
我们不要 是给栗宝的
We don't. It's for chestnut.
哪匹马会不想要一个罐子做的朋友啊
Every horse wants a friend made out of cans.
就这么定了
You got a deal.
好 那我们开工啦
Okay. We'll get to work then.
好 咱们不要被这景象吓倒
Okay. Let's not get overwhelmed.
我们一步步来
We'll take it one step at a time.
先从小的开始
Let's start small.
祝我生日快乐
Happy birthday to me.
哇 麦克斯 瞧瞧你这身打扮
Whoo, Max. Well, look at you.
黑夜将尽 好戏开场
Starting the night at the end of the night.
这是我第一次见你把那身囚服脱掉
This is the first time I've seen you out of the prison uniform.
你真漂亮
You look beautiful.
厄尔 那咱俩结婚吧
Oh, Earl, let's get married.
你们盯着我看干嘛 不就换个衣服吗
What are you staring at? It's just clothes.
麦克斯 你看上去像个淑女
Max, you look like a lady.
今晚当我跟往常一样 梦到跟你滚床单时
Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always,
我会请你留下来
this time I will ask you to stay.
麦克斯 你这身约会装扮太完美了
Max, you look perfect for your date.
-这又不是约会 -就是
- It's not a date. - It is.
不 不是
No, it's not.
是约炮
It's booty call.
有个全新的大广告看板
There is a fresh, white billboard.
我只是要跟我朋友爬上去作画
I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork.
约炮于广告看板下
Booty call on billboard.
相约两点半后
If it's after 2:30,
非打炮即*媾交**
call is for the dirty.
这句话哪儿来的
What's that from?
苏斯博士的《你想"放进去"的地方》吗
Dr. Seuss' "Oh, the places you'll put it in"?
知名儿童图书的作家
引用原书《你想去的地方 》
好了 伙计们 别闹了
Okay, boys, break it up.
各回各家 各找各妈
Go about your business. Nothing to see.
麦克斯
Max.
麦克斯和强尼的第一次约会 真为你骄傲
Max and Johnny's first date. So proud.
都说了不是约会
It's not a date.
门禁是十一点...
Be home at 11:00...
明早十一点
A.M.
麦克斯 带避孕套了吗
Uh, Max, you got protection?
不用 我这儿有
No, I've got it.
我也有
Me too.
哎呀 抱歉
No, sorry.
这包是口香糖
That is pack of gum.
可以把面具摘下来了吗
Can we take these masks off now?
哇 这兔子里面好热
Whoo. It is hot up in that bunny.
我们戴着面具 是怕被抓之后有人指认出我们吗
Are we wearing these so no one'll be able to pick us out of a lineup?
是的 这是一部分
Yeah, that.
加上我一直很想看大胸老鼠
And I always wanted to see a rat with big boobs.
来 满足你
Well, here he is.
好了 现在到了这艺术最重要的一环
All right. Now for the most crucial part of the art process,
喝酒休息时间
beer break.
有道理
That makes sense.
都忙活四分钟了
Been here four minutes.
真绅士
Gentleman.
看那边 你能看见曼哈顿
Look over there. You can see Manhattan.
对哦
Oh, yeah.
她就是个*货贱**
She's a bitch.
总是把她美好的一面展现在你面前
Always shoving her stuff in your face.
你却无法企及
You can never have it.
对啊
Yeah.
我从来不想在曼哈顿生活
I'd never want to live in Manhattan.
-因为你*不起活**吗 -是啊
- 'Cause you can't afford it? - Yeah.
虽然如此 她还是很美
She is beautiful, though.
她真的很美
Yeah, she is.
我们该继续干活了
Well, we should get back to work.
兔哥得开工啦
Bunny's gotta hop.
还要我说多少次你才信啊
How many more times do you need to hear it?
他没有亲我
He didn't kiss me.
或许是时机不对
Maybe it wasn't the right time.
俯瞰纽约夜景
Overlooking the New York skyline,
在一百英尺的高空沐浴着月光
a hundred feet in the air, bathed in moonlight?
还真不是个好时机啊
Yeah, that's a crappy time.
或许他不想采取行动
Maybe he didn't want to make a move
是因为他不知道你喜欢他
because he doesn't know you like him.
我都靠过去了 *靠我**过去等他亲
I leaned in. I leaned for a kiss.
说不定是你当时有口臭
Maybe you had a breath situation.
你吃什么了 你昨天吃过啥
What did you eat? What had you eaten?
什么也没吃
Nothing.
好吧 有时候什么都没吃 反而更糟呢
Okay, but sometimes when you don't eat, it's worse,
胃里只能消化情绪
because you start to grind up your feelings.
然后搞得嘴巴净是胃酸味
Then you get stomach breath.
有胃酸味 是瑞恩·高斯林我也不亲
I wouldn't kiss Ryan Gosling with stomach breath.
瑞恩·高斯林 好莱坞著名帅气男影星
-还是会亲啦 -你肯定会亲
- Yes, you would. - Yes, I would.
我终于把这堆报纸整理得差不多了
I'm finally making progress on the papers.
天啊 罗斯福总统死于小儿麻痹症
Oh, no, FDR died of polio.
美国第32位总统 死于1945年
瞧 他们找出小儿麻痹症的疫苗了
Oh, look. They cured polio.
1954年乔纳斯·萨尔克发明了小儿麻痹的疫苗
中奖啦 这个地方是一个猫咪工厂
Jackpot. This place is a freakin' cat factory.
它们居然活着 太不容易了
And they're alive. How refreshing.
这盒子里大概有四十五只小猫吧
There's, like, 45 kittens in this box,
我觉得其中一只刚刚生了小猫
and I think one of these kittens just had kittens.
小猫生小猫 财源滚滚呀
Kittens having kittens.
道格拉斯 我们发现了些小猫
Hey, Douglas, we found some kittens.
那不是我的猫
Those are not my kittens.
好吧 这堆成山的巧克力棒包装纸呢
Okay. What about this mountain of butterfinger wrappers?
那些是我的包装纸
Those are my wrappers.
那些我还要
I need those.
虽然还没看到主角 但我爱死这场秀了
I haven't even seen him yet. I love this show.
道格拉斯 你都不介意
Douglas, if you're comfortable with me
我把这些值点小钱的东西放在易趣上卖了
selling all this sort-of-valuable stuff on eBay,
为什么还要保留这一箱子巧克力棒包装纸呢
why do you need to keep a box full of butterfinger wrappers?
老子懒得想
I don't want to think about it!
瞧 麦克斯
See, Max?
这就是不处理自己感情的后果
This is what happens when you don't deal with your feelings.
一开始只是收集巧克力棒包装纸
You start collecting butterfinger wrappers,
再回头已身在养老院
and next thing you know you're an old lady in a rest home,
而且还在纠结"当年为什么他不亲我"
and you're thinking "why didn't he kiss me?"
为什么他不亲我
Why didn't he kiss me?
我不知道
I don't know.
为什么你不亲他
Why didn't you kiss him?
很明显 你喜欢他不是吗
You obviously like him, right?
麦克斯 别再囤积你的感情了
Max, stop hoarding your feelings.
承认你喜欢他吧
Just admit that you like him.
我喜欢他
I like him.
好 很好
Okay, good.
这箱子巧克力棒包装纸解决了
There's one box of butterfinger wrappers gone.
什么
What?
道格拉斯 我这是比喻
Douglas, it's a metaphor.
下次你见他时 何不直接亲他呢
So next time you see him, why don't you just kiss him?
我不知道该不该主动
I don't know if I can kiss him first.
亲就是了 少废话
Just kiss him already!
等等 这里还有另一个人啊
Wait, there's another person in here?
少管闲事 老妈
Butt out, mother.
那些是我的小猫 *妞小**
Those are my kittens, young lady.
慢着 他居然囤积着另外一个囤积狂
Hold up. He's hoarding another hoarder in here?
太帅了
Awesome.
真不敢相信 你把鸭嘴兽脚踏板当垃圾扔了
I can't believe you put the platypus foot rest in the trash.
那东西能在易趣上卖三到六块吧
On eBay we could get at least three to six dollars for it.
我再重申一遍
I'm gonna tell you this one more time.
那是只负鼠 它至少死了三到六年了
It's a possum, and it died at least three to six years ago.
天啊 居然碰到强尼
Oh, my god. There's Johnny.
你俩就像在演浪漫爱情片
This is a Katherine Heigl movie.
你们俩在这区干嘛
What are you guys doing in this neighborhood?
你好 抱歉打扰你们一下
Oh, hello. Sorry to interrupt you,
但你们俩是在搞什么
but what the hell's going on here?
这位是...
This is, uh...
我是卡珊德拉 他的女朋友
I'm Cashandra, his girlfriend.
你是谁
Who are you?
我是麦克斯 这是我打招呼的方式
I'm Max, and, um, that's how I say hi to everyone.
我和蔼可亲到不可思议
I'm incredibly friendly.
她特别和蔼可"亲"
She's so friendly.
10号桌买单 厄尔
Here's table ten, Earl.
你还好吧 麦克斯
Are you okay, Max?
有传闻说你心都碎了
Rumor has it that you had your heart broken.
我才没有心碎呢
I didn't have my heart broken.
所以我才不听信传闻呢
And that's why I don't listen to rumors.
麦克斯 我宣布我跟你的男朋友强尼
Max, I want to announce I have ended my bromance
断绝兄弟情了
with your boyfriend, Johnny.
情义和兄弟我都不要了
I hate the player as well as the game.
他从来就不是我男朋友
Never was my boyfriend.
我自愿牺牲肉体 让你在床上*躏蹂**发泄
I would like to offer myself for rebound sex.
如果不乐意 我也可以帮你暴打他一顿
Or, if not, I can just beat the crap out of him.
卡洛琳 你非要搞得人尽皆知吗
Caroline, did you have to tell everyone?
抱歉 但我可不想自己守秘密
I'm sorry, but I'm not keeping that up in my head.
我不想变成情感囤积狂
I'm not going butterfingers.
真不敢相信他有女朋友了
I can't believe he has a girlfriend.
你现在高兴了吧
Are you happy now?
你让我承认我喜欢他
You got me to admit that I like him,
还说服了我去亲他
and then you got me to kiss him.
然后我还亲了他那个漂亮女友
And then I kissed his beautiful girlfriend,
一个英国血统的黑人
who is black and British,
血统和肤色我都望尘莫及
the two cool things I can never be.
我错了 但他也不该误导你啊
I'm sorry, but he led you on.
他有吗
Oh, did he?
都是你和道格拉斯的母亲在推波助澜吧
I think you and Douglas' mother led me on.
这又不是我的错
This is not my fault.
他才是那个囤积女人狂啊
He's the one who's hoarding women.
好吗
Hi.
是啊 你非来不可
Yeah, you must be to come back in here.
我们能谈谈吗
Can we talk?
上菜 麦克斯
Pick up, Max.
3号桌 9号桌
Table three, table nine.
69号桌
Table 69.
时机不对
Not a good time.
-麦克斯 听我说 -强尼 算了
- Max, look... - Johnny, stop.
不用说"麦克斯 听我说"这种废话
You don't need to "Max, look" me.
我没事 你从没误导我
It's cool. You never led me on.
你从没碰过我
You never put your hands on me.
你也从没亲过我
You never even kissed me.
上菜了
Food!
最好先确认他有没有一个
Hey, better make sure he doesn't have a girlfriend
英国血统的漂亮黑妞女朋友
who's beautiful, black, and British.
麦克斯 听我说 我是想亲你
Max, look, I wanted to kiss you.
我想亲你
I want to kiss you.
我只是不想前情未了 就另结新欢
I just didn't want to be the guy who did it when he's with someone else.
麦克斯 我未曾预料你会闯入我的生命中
Look, Max, I didn't know you were gonna come into my life.
也绝没想到会对你动了心
I didn't know I was gonna have these feelings for you,
但突然间 我的脑海中全都是你 挥之不去
but all of a sudden it's "Max" all the time in my head.
卡桑德拉和我之间有感情 或曾经有过一段情
Cassandra and I have or-or had something,
我们二人是相爱的 或曾经爱过
and there is or was love there,
如今我却对你暗生情愫
and-and I don't know what I'm supposed to do
实在难以抉择
with all my feelings for you.
强尼 我刚花了两天
Johnny, I just spent two days
千辛万苦的替别人收拾垃圾
wading through someone else's garbage,
说实话 我没那时间也没那精力
and quite frankly, I don't have the time or the energy
把你脑子里犹豫的小丑和纠结的糖果纸
to go through all the clowns and candy wrappers you've got
也都理一遍
going on up in there.
还有 下次你要跟别人于广告看板上约炮时...
And the next time you invite someone to a booty call on a billboard...
我不是约炮
It wasn't a booty call.
大家都知道
I think everyone knows
相约两点半后 不打炮即*媾交**
if it's after 2:30, the call is for the dirty.
顺便说一句 我们都认识六个月了
And p.s., we've known each other six months,
你从没跟我说过你有女朋友
and you never told me you had a girlfriend.
你才是应该戴鼠辈面具的人
You should have worn the rat mask.
麦克斯绝笔
And that's all she wrote.
来说个好消息吧
Silver lining time?
我们很幸运 不用帮道格拉斯和他妈妈换尿布吗
We didn't have to change Douglas and his mother's diapers?
那堆垃圾在易趣上卖了二百四十块
We made $240 for the cupcake business
开店基金又多了不少
selling all that crap on eBay.
不错 钱是挣到了 但心却伤了
Yup. I made some money, and all I lost was my mind.
想听一些你不想听的话吗
Want to hear something you don't want to hear?
我觉得强尼说的话很动人
I think what Johnny said to you was beautiful.
你觉得松鼠拿着松子也很动人呢
You think a squirrel holding an acorn is beautiful.
他没有碰你或亲你
He didn't touch you or kiss you
是因为他不想让你们的感情 建立在谎言上
because he didn't want to start a relationship with you out of a lie.
你说得对
You know what? You're right.
你一直都是对的
You've been right all along.
我们的确像罗密欧与茱丽叶
It is like Romeo and Juliet.
我现在该是我回家自杀的时刻了
And now I'm gonna go home and kill myself.
我觉得浪漫爱情故事没我的份
I don't think romance is in the cards for me.
男人只会上我到蛋疼 从不会心疼
I give guys blue balls, not broken hearts.
我的老天 茱丽叶 先别死
Oh, my god. Don't kill yourself yet, Juliet.
我觉得你就是浪漫爱情故事的主角
I definitely think romance is in your cards.
那不是我
That's not me.
那也不是他的女朋友
That's not his girlfriend.
拜托 你至少承认那是你吧
Come on, will you at least admit that that's you
他画在那里就是想让你看见
and that he put it up there because he wanted you to see it?
真是浪漫到不行啊
And that's actually incredibly romantic.
是啊 这副浪漫的画像
Oh, yeah. That's the most romantic picture
是一个男的 可能在亲一个可能像我的人
of a guy who might be kissing someone who might look like me,
但实际他没有 因为他有一个英国辣女友
but he didn't because he has a hot British girlfriend
虽然看起来像个泼妇
who seems like kind of a bitch,
但是确实拥有我不可企及的酷
but is kind of cooler than I will ever be.
你把这个想法整理给我看看啊
I dare you to organize that thought.
没人比你更酷
There's no one cooler than you.
你有二百英尺高呢
You're 200 feet tall.
是啊 有只鸟刚把屎拉我身上了
Yeah, and a bird just took a crap on me.
走吧
Come on.
走呀
Come on.