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假期好友聚会进行时！听说许多人的朋友圈里都会有这四种“奇葩”，你中招了吗？
These are your best friends, so close that they're practically family.
这些就是你最好的朋友，你们好到彼此就好像家人一样。
Or should I say, literally just like your family.
或者说，你们根本就是一家人。
Happy birthday!
生日快乐！
Surprise.
喔好棒棒！
What, me? !
什么，是我吗？！
Every squad has "the child".
每一群狐群狗*党**里面都会有这么一个“小朋友”。
Not necessarily the youngest in age, but definitely in spirit.
虽然这个“小朋友”并不一定是朋友群中年纪最小的，可是心灵上一定最幼稚。
Ah, it's the best day of my life!
我的天啊，今天真的是我人生真最赞的一天！
Ah, it's the best day of my life!
啊，今天真的是我人生真最赞的一天！
They have fried chicken here!
他们这边有卖炸鸡耶！
The child runs on the power of positivity without ever running out of something to say.
这个“小朋友”总是正能量满满，而且永远不会没话说。
I have something to say.
我有件事情想说一下。
As much as I love fried chicken, I love hanging with you guys.
我再怎么爱炸鸡，也比不上喜爱跟你们鬼混！
You know what, I think we're ready to order.
那个不好意思，我们可以点餐了。
Okay, what can I get you guys?
好喔，你们想要什么？
Hello, well, what is your name?
嗨，你叫什么名字来着？
You all remember Kevin, right?
你们都记得凯文吧？
Yes, welcome.
记得喔，欢迎。
No.
不记得。
The child also has the uncanny ability to turn any stranger, however strange, into a new friend.
这个“小朋友”还有一个超奇葩的能力，就是他可以把随便一个他不熟的人 （不管多不熟）变成朋友。
So, can I get anyone something to drink?
那个，你们有想要先来点什么喝的吗？
Oh, you know, actually a seltzer would be nice.
喔好喔，我们先来点气泡水好了。
Keith, you're getting the remote all greasy.
基斯，你把遥控整个都弄的油腻腻的啦！
Hand it over. We're gonna decide what to watch as a group.
遥控器拿来，我们来决定要一起看什么。
Keith, no.
基斯，小心点。
And, just like a baby, he sometimes lacks the ability to fully control his own limbs.
这个“小朋友”有的时候还真的会跟小朋友一样笨手笨脚的。
Hah, look, that dude's just like a baby.
哈哈，你快看看那个矬蛋。
Yeah, it's like he lacks the ability to fully control his own limbs.
对啊，他好像缺乏控制自己肢体的能力。
You protect the child at all costs because he's the most fun and sweet friend you'll ever have.
不管怎么样你都会为这个“小朋友”挺身而出，因为他是你一生中最好笑最可爱的朋友。
I have just the thing that'll help you feel better.
我这儿有个好东西可以让你心情变好喔。
Then there's the "adult" of the group.
再来就是好友群里面的“大人”了。
The one who's stuck in peak mom and dad mode 24/7.
就是帮着你们全部把屎把尿，全年无休的那个。
It's a gift card!
是生日卡片喔！
Oh I love cards!
我超爱卡片的！
The adult's parental advisory instincts kick into high gear whenever a resolution needs to be reached.
每次有重大决策的时候，这个“大人”就会自然而然扮演起家长的角色。
Guys, guys!
喂，朋友们！
Keith got to pick last time so we're gonna go with Zack's choice.
上一次选台的人是基斯，所以这一次轮到札克选了喔。
Goody.
爽啦。
The *ucfk**, what about me?
搞什么，我为什么没得选？
No, your show is super depressing and not appropriate for Keith.
不行啦，你爱看的那个节目太郁闷了，也不适合基斯看。
Which one's the search button?
选台的按键是哪个啊？
What?
哇塞？！
You can draw on your Snapchats?
Snapchats 上竟然可以画画耶？！
That's your Instagram story.
你现在在用的是你的 Instagram 故事模式啦！
No, Instagram's for pictures.
不是啦，Instagram 只能放照片。
And like many a parent the ever-changing social media landscape is never immediately apparent to the adult.
就跟大部份爸爸妈妈一样，好友群中的“大人”通常都赶不上科技的潮流。
Yes!
搞定！
I caught another punchy rockeye.
我又抓到一只小拳石了。
Cash me outside, how bout dah?
真心不骗你们，不服来辩。
Oh my God, you ruin everything.
天啊，真是够了。
Oh, excuse me, we're ready to order.
对不起，我们准备好要点餐了。
I'd like the tuna salad, and this guy will get the fried chicken combo. . .
给我一个鲔鱼色拉，然后给他一个炸鸡套餐......
But who cares if you're a little behind the times when you're the only one on top of your shit?
可是如果你是朋友群中总是把一切打理得好好的那个，就算跟不上科技的潮流，又怎样？
Yeah, I have several questions about several of the items.
那个，我有几个有关这里菜色的问题想询问一下。
So the fettuccine alfredo. . .
就是那个奶酱意大利宽板面......
Eugene, is that the girl you like?
尤金，那边那个不是你喜欢的女生吗？
Oh my God, shut up!
噢天哪，闭嘴！
Eugene's got a crush? !
你有喜欢的人喔？！
No, shut up.
没有！你闭嘴啦！
Eugene's got a crush.
尤金恋爱了。
No, seriously, can I get another one of these, please?
真是够了，可以再给我来一杯一样的吗？
He's got a crush.
他恋爱了。
Cheers.
干啦！
Let's get shit-faced!
喝个不醉不归！
You all know and hope to survive the teenager.
你们的朋友群中也一定有那位“中二男”。
The friend in your group who is awfully good at being awesomely bad.
“中二男”就是朋友群中那个耍废技巧高人一等的那个。
Someone take this from me. My body is gonna regret that in the morning.
来人啊，谁快点来阻止我继续喝，要不然我明天早上会痛不欲生。
I gotcha, buddy.
交给我就对了 。
Thank you.
谢谢。
Aw, that dude's body is gonna regret it in the morning.
天啊，你看那个矬蛋，喝个酒明天就不行了呢。
Oh yeah, his little Benjamin Button body.
对啊，就像 “班杰明的奇幻旅程”里面那个臭老头一样虚啊。
Hold my shit.
帮我拿着一下。
What?
干嘛？
That was an Oscar nominated movie, I don't-- Although the teenager is violent and unpredictable, you can always rely on him to come to your defense.
那部片还被奥斯卡提过名，你们胆敢*辱侮**它？我跟你们势不两立.....虽然“中二男”超*力暴**又阴晴不定，可是不管什么时候他都是最让大家靠得住的那个。
Taken care of.
搞定。
No, no it's not.
不。
We have to go.
我们得走了。
Kevin, how are you?
凯文，近来如何啊？
Who's Kevin?
凯文是哪位啊？
Let's face it, on the outside the teenager can be a shady bitch.
我们就大方承认吧，“中二男”有时候真的会表现得很“惹人怨”。
I will kill you in your sleep.
我真的会趁你在睡觉的时候把你宰了。
Go talk to her!
快过去找你喜欢的女生讲话啊！
Shut up, you're embarrassing me!
闭嘴啦！你这样我很尴尬耶！
Hi, I'm Keith, what's your name?
嗨，我叫基斯，你叫什么来着？
No, don't talk to them.
喂，不要乱跟他们说话啦！
Oh, my crayons.
啊喔，我的蜡笔。
But, on the inside, the teenager is a profoundly sensitive friend.
可是“中二男”的内心呢，其实是非常敏感纤细的。
That's Ned and that's Zack, and I don't know where Eugene went.
这边这个是奈德，然后那边那个是札克，然后我不知道我们家尤金跑到哪里去了。
Happy birthday, buddy.
生日快乐啊，兄弟。
Oh, oh my God, a pepper shaker!
哇塞，是装胡椒的瓶子耶！
I've always wanted one of these.
我从以前就超想要了。
Did you steal that from Kevin?
这个是你从凯文那边偷来的吗？
Who's Kevin?
凯文是哪位啊?
Is anyone else freezing?
只有我觉得这边超冷的吗？
Am I crazy?
还是只是我精神错乱了？
They just turn. . . every time I sit underneath a vent, they turn the vent and it's like so freaking. . .
每次我坐在出风口的时候他们就会把风开超大，快冷死了。
And finally, everyone knows the old person, who's stuck--
最后要来跟大家介绍的是“老头子”，说到「老头子」呢...
No, no, can you not freeze-frame on my face?
喂，哈啰，可以麻烦你不要把镜头对焦在我脸上吗？
We get it. I'm the grumpy old man.
好啦我懂啦，反正我就是又老脾气又臭嘛。
We're kind of too far in the video right now.
我们也已经拍够多了。
We get it. We can move. . . can you get this out of here?
我都懂，我们可以直接...拜托可以把这个东西拿走开一下吗？
What are you even doing here?
你到底在这里干嘛？
Zack, you gotta be nice to the narrator.
札克，你喔要对人家旁白好一点啦。
No, no, we're done--
管他的，我们拍完了啦。
Okay, well, as I was saying, the old person-- -Oh my God, bla bla bla.
好吧，所以我刚刚说到这个“老头子”呢... 天啊，讲太多了。
You are so boring.
你有够闷的啦。
Can we cut to the apartment?
我们可以直接跳到公寓那一段吗？
It's cold in here.
这里超冷的。
Anyone else think it's really hot in here?
只有我觉得这里超热的吗？
Am I crazy?
还是我精神错乱了？
Hey, Carl, can you go. . .
哈啰，卡尔，你能...
Kevin.
人家叫凯文啦。
Whatever.
随便啦。
Go to the thermostat, turn it down like two degrees, not three.
帮我去调温器那边把温度调低个两度，不要调低三度喔。
Uh, hey, excuse me.
那个，不好意思喔。
It's my job to narrate here--
我还要继续做我的旁白......
No, no, we're all aware.
好，好，我们都知道啦！
Stop interrupting me.
不要一直打岔啦！
To the restaurant please.
去餐厅吧。
Why is everyone so incompetent these days?
怎么最近的人都那么废啊？
Um, I'm sorry, rude.
不好意思喔，可是你超失礼的耶。
Hey, ladies, excuse me.
哈啰，漂亮小姐们，照过来照过来。
My moody friend here with the spiky hair.
有没有看到我们家这个闷骚刺猬头帅哥？
He wants to boink one of you.
他说他看上了你们其中一个。
I'm not sure who, maybe--
我是不知道他在说的是你们其中的谁啦，可能是...
And I'm dead.
你们看不到我。
I'm dead.
你们看不到我。
Anyway, I'm going to hand my friend a present so we can end the video.
好啦，我现在要送个礼物给我的朋友，我们就可以结束这个影片了。
No need for fancy editing.
不用华丽的后制编辑。
God damn it, that was good.
这也转接的太好了吧！
Oh wow. Just make it quick.
哇塞 。快啦快啦。
Wow, oh my god, guys!
哇赛，天啊，你们看看！
This is perfect.
太棒了啦！
And that, is how your friends are literally just like your family.
看到这里，大家应该都知道，为什么你的死*党**基本上就是你的家人。
Okay, quick quick, roll the credits before I die.
不要废话了，快点把致谢名单放一放啦，要不然我要身亡了。
Ooh and Squad Wars—that's the show that we made.
喔喔，我们也有拍《突击小队》喔！
Thanks so much for watching!
感谢大家收看！